Tuesday, April 7, 2015

LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT

2015 Topps Heritage #248 Wade Miley


MGM VAULT FIRE, MY ASS. THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE. WISE UP, FOLKS, I'M THE ONE WALKING WITH THE QUEEN. TELL YOU WHAT, I SIT THERE AND I LAUGH AT THAT TEE-SEE-EMM RECONSTRUCTO, WITH ALL THAT FAKE SHIT. COME WITH ME DOWN TO THE BAYOU, I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE I'VE GOT IT HIDDEN, AND IT AIN'T YOUR GRANDPAPPY'S SUPER 8, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. LAISSEZ LES BONS TEMPS ROULER, COMPADRE, AND WE'LL ALL SIT AROUND THE FLICKERBOX AND HAVE OURSELVES A CHUCKLE 'BOUT WHAT I LIKE TO CALL THE UNCHANGING STATUS. TIME MAY BE A FLAT CIRCLE, BUT ME? I'M THE MOTHERLOVIN' MASSEUR AUTEUR RACONTEUR SUPREME. YOU THINK IT DOESN'T EXIST, FINE, GO AHEAD, KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. BUT ME AND MR. B., WE KNOW THE TRUTH. COME DOWN TO MY BASEMENT AND INSPECT MY DRY GOODS, FINELY GRAINED. HAVE A GANDER AT MY EMULSION COMPULSION, NOT EXACTLY NITRATE-FREE FOR THIS ERA'S SENSITIVE WOMENFOLK. THE REAL STORY LIES ELSEWHERE, BUT I'M AFRAID I AIN'T TELLIN'.






















COULDN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO FREAKS, THO.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

RAPID RETREAT

1991 Donruss Studio #75 Ron Robinson

PUT THAT SHIT AWAY, GODDAMMIT, NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT THAT SHIT.





















BLECH.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

ADVANCED GAME THEORY

1978 Topps #15 Tony Perez

I JUST DON'T GET IT. I MEAN, IT BOGGLES THE MIND. WHY, AFTER ALL THAT TOIL, WOULD YOU THROW EVERYTHING AWAY FOR THOSE COOKIES ON THE HIGH SHELF? YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM, BUT WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU GO OVER TO THE TABLE, PULL OUT THE CHAIR, DRAG IT OVER TO THE COUNTER, AND UP YOU GO. WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT? YOU JUST RESCUED THAT CAT OUT OF THE TREE. BOOM, LADDER AHEAD LIKE 60 SPACES. AND THIS IS AFTER ALL THE TIME YOU SPENT BACKTRACKING AFTER CATCHING COLD BECAUSE YOU REFUSED TO WEAR YOUR BOOTS OUTSIDE ON A COLD, WET WINTER DAY. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A SURPRISE, PEOPLE. LOOK AROUND, BIG RED ONES EVERYWHERE.

AND TELL ME THIS: TWO SMALL STEPS AWAY FROM YOUR GOAL, AND YOU'RE GONNA ACT THE FOOL AND PULL A CAT'S TAIL? HELLLLLL NO. YET IT HAPPENS TIME AND TIME AGAIN. YOU'D THINK PEOPLE WOULD LEARN: MOW THE LAWN, YOU GET TO GO TO THE FUCKING CIRCUS. EAT THE WHOLE BOX OF CHOCOLATES, BIG-ASS TUMMY ACHE. STRAIGHT FOOLISH.



















TO BE HONEST, I DON'T THINK ANYONE TAKES THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.

Friday, April 12, 2013

DESPAIR OF A FRIAR

1980 Topps #557 Mark Lee
JUST DISAPPEAR... DRINK SOME BATTERY ACID... WASH IT DOWN WITH ANTI-FREEZE AND CHASE IT WITH SOME CLOROX...

OHHHHHHHH, WHAT AN UNKIND WORLD. ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES. MY WIFE, GONE. UNPLANNED AIRPLANE GLUE ACCIDENT. THE HOUSE NEEDS A NEW COAT OF PAINT, BUT HOW DO YOU GET IN ALL THEM CRACKS? MY PRESCRIPTION'S CHANGED AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET ONE OF THOSE MAGNETIC FISHING GAMES, SO MAYBE I'LL JUST GET MY BLOOD PRESSURE CHECKED FOR TWENTY-FIVE CENTS.

THE TEAR IN THE COUCH COVER ISN'T GOING TO HIDE ITSELF, SO SOME NEW PILLOWS WILL DO JUST FINE. THURSDAY NIGHT WE FLY OUT TO SHEA AND I DON'T HAVE A ROOMMATE, SO I THINK I'LL JUST JERK IT INTO A DIXIE CUP IF I CAN MAKE IT UP PAST TEN. IF THE BATHROOM HAS A HAIR DRYER I GET TO HAVE A KIND OF WARM ENGLISH MUFFIN, BUT IF NOT I CAN JUST SACK ALONG AND MAKE PRETEND WITH A PEANUT BUTTER BREAD-WICH.

YOU EVER GET A CREASE IN A PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU JUST CAN'T GET OUT, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU IRON IT? I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO A FEW MOMENTS WHERE I CAN FORGET EVERYTHING AND JUST NOT BE THE GUY WITH THE LOUD KID AND THE UNTUCKED SHIRT FOR ONCE. MY STRAW FELL ON THE FLOOR AND THERE AREN'T ANY MORE IN THE DISPENSER NO MATTER WHAT THE GIRL AT THE COUNTER SAYS. FOR A CHAIN RESTAURANT THIS IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT I DON'T THINK THEY'LL PUT ONE IN MY TOWN, EVEN IF I WRITE A LETTER.











WHEW, DID IT JUST GET DARK IN HERE OR WAS THAT MY TRANSITIONS?

Sunday, December 9, 2012

SPECIAL CALIPERS REQUIRED

1986 Fleer #315 Kurt Bevacqua

YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS ME. I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT YEAH, IT WAS ME.





WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAYING THAT IT WAS ME? I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT THAT? I GOTTA TELL YA, JIMINY CREEPERS, YOU COME UP HERE AT BATTING PRACTICE, YOU GOT YOUR T-SHIRT AND YOUR, LIKE, HAT ON, AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF IT WAS ME? HOT CHRISTMAS, I MEAN. BROWNBERRY BREAD AND BUTTER OR PARKAY, YOU STROLL UP HERE WANTING TO KNOW IF IT WAS ME OR NOT, AND I TELL YOU IT IS, AND HOLY MOSES IN THE REEDS, YOU TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY. GET THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-SKATES OUT OF HERE. I MEAN, KIBBLES 'N BITS 'N BITS 'N BITS 'N GOSH.






HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND. I'LL TELL YOU SOME MORE.

THAT WAS ONE HECK OF A BUBBLE, WASN'T IT THOUGH?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH

1988 Topps #203 Fred Toliver

FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH!

ONCE UPON A TIME SOME CREAMED CORN-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS CAME ALONG AND THOUGHT FRED TOLIVER WAS SOMEBODY TO FUCK WITH. THEY FOUND OUT QUICKLY THAT FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH. MOTHERFUCKERS ASKIN' TO LICK THE BOWL WHEN I COOK A GOOD-ASS BATCH OF BROWNIES, PLAYIN' FRED TOLIVER LIKE A BITCH AND SHIT. TRICK-ASS PUNK BITCHES SUGGESTIN' THAT I PAY $50 TO GET OUT OF JAIL WHEN THEY DAMN WELL KNOW THAT FRED TOLIVER TAKES THE CHANCE TO TRY TO ROLL DOUBLES WHEN SUCH A SITUATION ARISES. THEM WHEAT GERM SPRINKLIN' MOTHERFUCKERS TRYIN' TO GET ME TO PUT THE PEGS IN THE LITE BRITE WITH THE BULB TURNED ON WHEN THEY KNOW FOR DAMN SURE THAT FRED TOLIVER ONLY CLICKS THAT SHIT ON WHEN HIS PICTURE IS COMPLETE.

FUCKING WITH FRED TOLIVER WHEN HE'S SELECTING THE CORRECT DRILL BIT WILL GET YOU SHOT.
FUCKING WITH FRED TOLIVER WHEN HE'S CLEARING OUT THE LINT TRAP ON THE DRYER WILL GET YOU SHOT.
FUCKING WITH FRED TOLIVER WHEN HE'S CALCULATING A FINAL LOAN PAYMENT AMOUNT WILL ALSO GET YOU SHOT.
FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH.






FUCKING MARUCHAN RAMEN-ASS BITCHES...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

AMAZING LARRY

1991 Leaf Studio #67 Mark Gubicza

SOMETIMES YOU SEE IT, MAYBE OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE. YOU HOPE IT'S REAL, BUT YOU ALMOST HOPE IT'S NOT, FOR THEN THE QUEST WOULD BE OVER AND TIME WOULD CEASE TO HAVE MEANING. BUT IMAGINE THAT ONE PRISTINE TIME, IN THE PERIPHERY OF YOUR VISION, WHEN YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE MOST PERFECT HAIR ON MAN OR BEAST. THE DESIRE, THE URGE, IT GROWS STRONGER. THE URGE TO SAUNTER UP TO THE MOUND, APPROACHING FROM THE FIRST BASE SIDE, UNNOTICED. THE DESIRE TO MOUNT, TO STRADDLE, TO TAKE THAT HAIR IN YOUR HANDS, TO LET IT RUN THROUGH, SLIP, DANGLE. TO BRAID. TO DIVIDE INTO THREE STRANDS AND TO BRAID. TO BRAID. OVER AND OVER, THE STRANDS PASS FROM RIGHT HAND TO LEFT, LEFT TO RIGHT AND BACK AGAIN, WHIRLIGIG MOTION. TO KNIT. AND THE HAIR, THE HANDS, ONE CANNOT BE TOLD FROM THE OTHER, AS YOU KEEP ON KNITTING.
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING.








LIFETIME ERA OF 3.96