Sunday, December 9, 2012

SPECIAL CALIPERS REQUIRED

1986 Fleer #315 Kurt Bevacqua

YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS ME. I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT YEAH, IT WAS ME.





WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME SAYING THAT IT WAS ME? I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT THAT? I GOTTA TELL YA, JIMINY CREEPERS, YOU COME UP HERE AT BATTING PRACTICE, YOU GOT YOUR T-SHIRT AND YOUR, LIKE, HAT ON, AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF IT WAS ME? HOT CHRISTMAS, I MEAN. BROWNBERRY BREAD AND BUTTER OR PARKAY, YOU STROLL UP HERE WANTING TO KNOW IF IT WAS ME OR NOT, AND I TELL YOU IT IS, AND HOLY MOSES IN THE REEDS, YOU TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY. GET THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-SKATES OUT OF HERE. I MEAN, KIBBLES 'N BITS 'N BITS 'N BITS 'N GOSH.






HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND. I'LL TELL YOU SOME MORE.

THAT WAS ONE HECK OF A BUBBLE, WASN'T IT THOUGH?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH

1988 Topps #203 Fred Toliver

FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH!

ONCE UPON A TIME SOME CREAMED CORN-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS CAME ALONG AND THOUGHT FRED TOLIVER WAS SOMEBODY TO FUCK WITH. THEY FOUND OUT QUICKLY THAT FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH. MOTHERFUCKERS ASKIN' TO LICK THE BOWL WHEN I COOK A GOOD-ASS BATCH OF BROWNIES, PLAYIN' FRED TOLIVER LIKE A BITCH AND SHIT. TRICK-ASS PUNK BITCHES SUGGESTIN' THAT I PAY $50 TO GET OUT OF JAIL WHEN THEY DAMN WELL KNOW THAT FRED TOLIVER TAKES THE CHANCE TO TRY TO ROLL DOUBLES WHEN SUCH A SITUATION ARISES. THEM WHEAT GERM SPRINKLIN' MOTHERFUCKERS TRYIN' TO GET ME TO PUT THE PEGS IN THE LITE BRITE WITH THE BULB TURNED ON WHEN THEY KNOW FOR DAMN SURE THAT FRED TOLIVER ONLY CLICKS THAT SHIT ON WHEN HIS PICTURE IS COMPLETE.

FUCKING WITH FRED TOLIVER WHEN HE'S SELECTING THE CORRECT DRILL BIT WILL GET YOU SHOT.
FUCKING WITH FRED TOLIVER WHEN HE'S CLEARING OUT THE LINT TRAP ON THE DRYER WILL GET YOU SHOT.
FUCKING WITH FRED TOLIVER WHEN HE'S CALCULATING A FINAL LOAN PAYMENT AMOUNT WILL ALSO GET YOU SHOT.
FRED TOLIVER AIN'T NOBODY'S BITCH.






FUCKING MARUCHAN RAMEN-ASS BITCHES...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

AMAZING LARRY

1991 Leaf Studio #67 Mark Gubicza

SOMETIMES YOU SEE IT, MAYBE OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE. YOU HOPE IT'S REAL, BUT YOU ALMOST HOPE IT'S NOT, FOR THEN THE QUEST WOULD BE OVER AND TIME WOULD CEASE TO HAVE MEANING. BUT IMAGINE THAT ONE PRISTINE TIME, IN THE PERIPHERY OF YOUR VISION, WHEN YOU CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE MOST PERFECT HAIR ON MAN OR BEAST. THE DESIRE, THE URGE, IT GROWS STRONGER. THE URGE TO SAUNTER UP TO THE MOUND, APPROACHING FROM THE FIRST BASE SIDE, UNNOTICED. THE DESIRE TO MOUNT, TO STRADDLE, TO TAKE THAT HAIR IN YOUR HANDS, TO LET IT RUN THROUGH, SLIP, DANGLE. TO BRAID. TO DIVIDE INTO THREE STRANDS AND TO BRAID. TO BRAID. OVER AND OVER, THE STRANDS PASS FROM RIGHT HAND TO LEFT, LEFT TO RIGHT AND BACK AGAIN, WHIRLIGIG MOTION. TO KNIT. AND THE HAIR, THE HANDS, ONE CANNOT BE TOLD FROM THE OTHER, AS YOU KEEP ON KNITTING.
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING...
AH-HAND KNITTING.








LIFETIME ERA OF 3.96

Thursday, October 4, 2012

GAIJIN

1997 Pinnacle #178 East Meets West
FIRST, A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, MISS: WHERE DOES THE UNDERGROUND KICKBOXING CIRCUIT MEET, AND HOW FAR AHEAD OF TIME DO I NEED TO GET THERE TO FILL OUT THE REGISTRATION FORMS? FUCKING-A RIGHT, MY TOURIST VISA SAYS I'M HERE ON A BASEBALL TOUR, BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW MY OFFICIAL BUSINESS DOESN'T EXACTLY MATCH MY TRUE INTENT, BUT YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND TELL YOUR MR. MIYAMOTO THAT I'VE BEEN IN MY HOTEL ROOM BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 1 AND 5 A.M. I MEAN, FUCK YEAH, I'M SITTING AT TWENTY-FOUR-ODD HUNDRED AND SHIT, BUT WHAT REALLY REVS MY ENGINE IS THE FEEL OF BROKEN GLASS ON BARE KNUCKLES, THE SMELL OF THE RESIN AND THE SWEET BURN OF THE HEMP ROPE. WHEN IN THE RING, CAL RIPKEN, JR, IS NO MORE, AND WHAT EMERGES IS THE MANIACAL SPIRIT WARRIOR RIDING A KIND OF CROSS BETWEEN A BUFFALO AND A JACKRABBIT, CLOTHED IN MAMMOTHSKIN FINERY AND CLUTCHING A THREE-FOOT TOTEM SPEAR MADE OF FINEST BRASS. I CALL HIM NAWIMBE, AND HE STRIKES FAST. THE HOWL I WILL BELLOW SENDS FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF ALL BUT TONG PO, BUT THERE IS NO DOUBT I WILL OVERCOME HIM.





SO, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, SURE, A RAMUNE SODA AND A SHRIMP-FLAVORED KIT-KAT WOULD BE FINE FOR MY PRE-GAME SNACK.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

MOUF BREAVIN'

1993 Upper Deck #109 Mark Lemke

FUCKING LIKE, TO QUOTE NOAH VANDERHOFF, WHAT AM I LOOKING AT HERE? IS THIS SOME SORT OF VARIATION ON AN ADULT-ORIENTED MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION ENTERPRISE THAT STARTED AT PLAYING CATCH WITH A THEN-LIVING MICKEY MANTLE AND THEN GOT TALKED DOWN TO A FEW PRE-GAME ON-FIELD MOMENTS WITH RONNIE BELLIARD, OR IS THIS AN HONEST-TO-GOD MAJOR LEAGUER GONE ORIENS GAMMA IVB THREAT LEVEL DONKEY? 'CAUSE FUCKING TELL ME WHICH ONE IT IS, 'CAUSE I'M CONCERNED FOR THE WELL-BEING OF ALL INVOLVED. THIS MAN-CHILD'S GOT A BIT OF THE DEVIL IN HIM, AND WE'VE GOT TO CONTAIN IT.






READY THE DROOL CUP.





.

Monday, September 10, 2012

OL' DWIPPHY

1986 Donruss #416 Steve Crawford

HEY.
HEY HEY.

HEYHEYHEYHEYHEY MAN, YOU WANNA DO SOME COKE?

HELL YEAH I CAN GIVE YOU A FEW GOOD REASONS WHY. AT SOME POINT DURING THE COKE DOING I AM GOING TO REMOVE MY SHIRT. WELL, FIRST MY JERSEY AND THEN MY UNDERSHIRT. I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT WHEN I REMOVE MY SHIRT IT'S GOING TO MAKE A SOUND. LIKE AN AUDIBLE SOUND. IT MIGHT NOT COME OFF MY BODY IN ONE FLUENT MOVEMENT, AND IT MIGHT ACTUALLY GET STUCK SOMEWHERE AROUND MY SHOULDERS, BUT IT WILL EVENTUALLY COME OFF, AND IT WILL MAKE AN AUDIBLE SOUND, KIND OF LIKE A FRUIT ROLL-UP TYPE OF SOUND.

WHEN WE DO THE COKE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE PART OF MY SANDWICH. I HAVE THIS CANVAS YELLOW PAGES TOTE BAG THAT I THROW A SANDWICH OR TWO IN AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH WEEK. IT'S THE SAME BAG MY STEPSON PUTS HIS BEACH TOYS IN WHEN WE GO TO THE BEACH, AND I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE WATCHAMACALLIT BAGGIE THINGS. IF THERE'S ONLY ONE SANDWICH AND NOT TWO, YOU CAN HAVE THREE OR FOUR BITES OF MINE AFTER I HAVE THREE OR FOUR BITES.




FUCK IT'S HOT OUT HERE TODAY.



.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

IRON MIKE

1982 Fleer #606 Mike Tyson

NO BULLSHIT HERE, NO PIECES OF HOCKEY STICKS OR KNIT CAPS OR PRE-GAME USED FLOSS OR NONE OF THAT SHIT. JUST THE MAN BEHIND THE MAN BEHIND THE MAN, A DUDE WHO HAS THE SAME NAME AS ANOTHER DUDE BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH SODA POPINSKI TO GET TO HIM. A DUDE WHO LEAVES THOSE RHODE ISLAND BEAUTY QUEENS ALONE, CONTENT TO HIDE AMONG THE IVY. I LOOK AWAY FROM THIS CARD, I SWEAR I SEE HIM MOVE OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE.




THIS MOTHERFUCKER WILL LURK.




BUT HE'S THE TRUE MR. DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEM.




.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

DRINK UP, FUCKERS #2

1987 Classic Update Yellow (Green Back) #150 McGwire/Davis


FUCKING A, THIS ONE DOUBLES AS "SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM" #1

OH, SO YOU'RE HERE TO WATCH THE ALL-STAR GAME AND YOU WANT TO FORGET YOU'RE IN FUCKING OAKLAND? MAKE SURE TO GRAB ONE OF THOSE CARDBOARD DRINK CADDIES AND HAVE A BUD OR FOUR. AND WHILE THE DRINKETY-DRINK IS HAPPENING, LIGHT UP A WINSTON TO GET THAT SMOOTH, REFRESHING FLAVOR. BUT KEEP THAT SHIT OUT ON THE CONCOURSE OR IN THE SPECIALLY-MARKED SMOKE SECTIONS 236, 237, AND 418.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

GERIATRIC SPECTATOR

2006 Fleer Ultra #57 Troy Glaus

FUCKING CHRIST, YOU ARE WELL OUTSIDE THE BOUNDARIES OF MLB'S DEMOGRAPHIC WHEELHOUSE. THE GREATER TAMPA-ST. PETE'S TEA AND GARDEN CLUB MEETS EVERY OTHER THURSDAY AT PERKIN'S OFF OF FLETCHER, NOT A JAYS GAME THAT DOESN'T COUNT. SO YOU WON SOME KIND OF MAKE-A-WISH FOR OLD PEOPLE AND YOU'VE CAMPED YOURSELF ON THE FIELD IN YOUR L.L. BEAM CAMP CHAIR. GREAT. MEANWHILE THE AARP-VARK SANDUSKY-TYPE IN DAD JEANS IS TROLLING FOR BLUEHAIRS.



DAMN. WINDBREAKERS ON EVERYBODY.

DRINK UP, FUCKERS #1

1989 Star Beloit Brewers #19 Curt Krippner

FUCK YEAH, SELLING THAT SHIT TO THE KIDS, GETTING THEM INTERESTED IN THE BREW AT AN EARLY AGE 'CAUSE THE PARENT COMPANY FROWNS UPON SILVER BULLET AND WIDE-MOUTH CANS DURING THE DISNEY AFTERNOON. DON'T MATTER IF IT'S TALESPIN OR THE GUMMI BEARS, COORS LIGHT NEED NOT APPLY UNLESS IT COMES TO OUTFIELD SIGNAGE. COORS LIGHT ACTUALLY NEED NOT APPLY IN MOST ANY SITUATION, WHAT WITH IT TASTING LIKE YOU TOOK A REAL BEER AND RAN IT THROUGH THE GENTLE CYCLE AND THEN BOTTLED WHATEVER CAME OUT OF THE HOSE LEADING TO THE STATIONARY TUB AND PUT IT IN A SOMEWHAT THINNER, SOMEWHAT TALLER SILVER CAN.



BUT THAT'S BELOIT FOR YOU.