Wednesday, August 29, 2012

IRON MIKE

1982 Fleer #606 Mike Tyson

NO BULLSHIT HERE, NO PIECES OF HOCKEY STICKS OR KNIT CAPS OR PRE-GAME USED FLOSS OR NONE OF THAT SHIT. JUST THE MAN BEHIND THE MAN BEHIND THE MAN, A DUDE WHO HAS THE SAME NAME AS ANOTHER DUDE BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH SODA POPINSKI TO GET TO HIM. A DUDE WHO LEAVES THOSE RHODE ISLAND BEAUTY QUEENS ALONE, CONTENT TO HIDE AMONG THE IVY. I LOOK AWAY FROM THIS CARD, I SWEAR I SEE HIM MOVE OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE.




THIS MOTHERFUCKER WILL LURK.




BUT HE'S THE TRUE MR. DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEM.




.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

DRINK UP, FUCKERS #2

1987 Classic Update Yellow (Green Back) #150 McGwire/Davis


FUCKING A, THIS ONE DOUBLES AS "SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM" #1

OH, SO YOU'RE HERE TO WATCH THE ALL-STAR GAME AND YOU WANT TO FORGET YOU'RE IN FUCKING OAKLAND? MAKE SURE TO GRAB ONE OF THOSE CARDBOARD DRINK CADDIES AND HAVE A BUD OR FOUR. AND WHILE THE DRINKETY-DRINK IS HAPPENING, LIGHT UP A WINSTON TO GET THAT SMOOTH, REFRESHING FLAVOR. BUT KEEP THAT SHIT OUT ON THE CONCOURSE OR IN THE SPECIALLY-MARKED SMOKE SECTIONS 236, 237, AND 418.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

GERIATRIC SPECTATOR

2006 Fleer Ultra #57 Troy Glaus

FUCKING CHRIST, YOU ARE WELL OUTSIDE THE BOUNDARIES OF MLB'S DEMOGRAPHIC WHEELHOUSE. THE GREATER TAMPA-ST. PETE'S TEA AND GARDEN CLUB MEETS EVERY OTHER THURSDAY AT PERKIN'S OFF OF FLETCHER, NOT A JAYS GAME THAT DOESN'T COUNT. SO YOU WON SOME KIND OF MAKE-A-WISH FOR OLD PEOPLE AND YOU'VE CAMPED YOURSELF ON THE FIELD IN YOUR L.L. BEAM CAMP CHAIR. GREAT. MEANWHILE THE AARP-VARK SANDUSKY-TYPE IN DAD JEANS IS TROLLING FOR BLUEHAIRS.



DAMN. WINDBREAKERS ON EVERYBODY.

DRINK UP, FUCKERS #1

1989 Star Beloit Brewers #19 Curt Krippner

FUCK YEAH, SELLING THAT SHIT TO THE KIDS, GETTING THEM INTERESTED IN THE BREW AT AN EARLY AGE 'CAUSE THE PARENT COMPANY FROWNS UPON SILVER BULLET AND WIDE-MOUTH CANS DURING THE DISNEY AFTERNOON. DON'T MATTER IF IT'S TALESPIN OR THE GUMMI BEARS, COORS LIGHT NEED NOT APPLY UNLESS IT COMES TO OUTFIELD SIGNAGE. COORS LIGHT ACTUALLY NEED NOT APPLY IN MOST ANY SITUATION, WHAT WITH IT TASTING LIKE YOU TOOK A REAL BEER AND RAN IT THROUGH THE GENTLE CYCLE AND THEN BOTTLED WHATEVER CAME OUT OF THE HOSE LEADING TO THE STATIONARY TUB AND PUT IT IN A SOMEWHAT THINNER, SOMEWHAT TALLER SILVER CAN.



BUT THAT'S BELOIT FOR YOU.