Saturday, November 16, 2013

ADVANCED GAME THEORY

1978 Topps #15 Tony Perez

I JUST DON'T GET IT. I MEAN, IT BOGGLES THE MIND. WHY, AFTER ALL THAT TOIL, WOULD YOU THROW EVERYTHING AWAY FOR THOSE COOKIES ON THE HIGH SHELF? YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM, BUT WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU GO OVER TO THE TABLE, PULL OUT THE CHAIR, DRAG IT OVER TO THE COUNTER, AND UP YOU GO. WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT? YOU JUST RESCUED THAT CAT OUT OF THE TREE. BOOM, LADDER AHEAD LIKE 60 SPACES. AND THIS IS AFTER ALL THE TIME YOU SPENT BACKTRACKING AFTER CATCHING COLD BECAUSE YOU REFUSED TO WEAR YOUR BOOTS OUTSIDE ON A COLD, WET WINTER DAY. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A SURPRISE, PEOPLE. LOOK AROUND, BIG RED ONES EVERYWHERE.

AND TELL ME THIS: TWO SMALL STEPS AWAY FROM YOUR GOAL, AND YOU'RE GONNA ACT THE FOOL AND PULL A CAT'S TAIL? HELLLLLL NO. YET IT HAPPENS TIME AND TIME AGAIN. YOU'D THINK PEOPLE WOULD LEARN: MOW THE LAWN, YOU GET TO GO TO THE FUCKING CIRCUS. EAT THE WHOLE BOX OF CHOCOLATES, BIG-ASS TUMMY ACHE. STRAIGHT FOOLISH.



















TO BE HONEST, I DON'T THINK ANYONE TAKES THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.

Friday, April 12, 2013

DESPAIR OF A FRIAR

1980 Topps #557 Mark Lee
JUST DISAPPEAR... DRINK SOME BATTERY ACID... WASH IT DOWN WITH ANTI-FREEZE AND CHASE IT WITH SOME CLOROX...

OHHHHHHHH, WHAT AN UNKIND WORLD. ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES. MY WIFE, GONE. UNPLANNED AIRPLANE GLUE ACCIDENT. THE HOUSE NEEDS A NEW COAT OF PAINT, BUT HOW DO YOU GET IN ALL THEM CRACKS? MY PRESCRIPTION'S CHANGED AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET ONE OF THOSE MAGNETIC FISHING GAMES, SO MAYBE I'LL JUST GET MY BLOOD PRESSURE CHECKED FOR TWENTY-FIVE CENTS.

THE TEAR IN THE COUCH COVER ISN'T GOING TO HIDE ITSELF, SO SOME NEW PILLOWS WILL DO JUST FINE. THURSDAY NIGHT WE FLY OUT TO SHEA AND I DON'T HAVE A ROOMMATE, SO I THINK I'LL JUST JERK IT INTO A DIXIE CUP IF I CAN MAKE IT UP PAST TEN. IF THE BATHROOM HAS A HAIR DRYER I GET TO HAVE A KIND OF WARM ENGLISH MUFFIN, BUT IF NOT I CAN JUST SACK ALONG AND MAKE PRETEND WITH A PEANUT BUTTER BREAD-WICH.

YOU EVER GET A CREASE IN A PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU JUST CAN'T GET OUT, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU IRON IT? I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO A FEW MOMENTS WHERE I CAN FORGET EVERYTHING AND JUST NOT BE THE GUY WITH THE LOUD KID AND THE UNTUCKED SHIRT FOR ONCE. MY STRAW FELL ON THE FLOOR AND THERE AREN'T ANY MORE IN THE DISPENSER NO MATTER WHAT THE GIRL AT THE COUNTER SAYS. FOR A CHAIN RESTAURANT THIS IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT I DON'T THINK THEY'LL PUT ONE IN MY TOWN, EVEN IF I WRITE A LETTER.











WHEW, DID IT JUST GET DARK IN HERE OR WAS THAT MY TRANSITIONS?