Saturday, September 12, 2015

FORCED

1989 Donruss #153 Ted Power


HOLD A SMILE, YOU ASK? I'M THE KING OF HOLDING A SMILE. KING OF THE SMILE HOLDERS, STANDING RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. THIS MUSTACHE RIGHT HERE? IT'S GOING TO STAY AT A 179-DEGREE ANGLE FOR THE NEXT SEVEN MINUTES IF IT NEEDS TO. TRY TO TOP THAT, MR. PHOTOGRAPHER GUY. I HAVE THREE, THAT'S RIGHT, COUNT 'EM, THREE THOMAS KINKADES HANGING IN MY HOME. ORIGINALS, YOU RAT-FACE MOTHERFUCKER. ORIGINALS. HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? I'M GUESSING ZERO. I'D GO SO FAR AS TO SAY IF THERE'S A KINKADE LITHOGRAPH THAT'S HANGING ON THE WALL THAT EVERYONE CAN SEE WHEN THEY DESCEND THE STAIRCASE INTO YOUR FINISHED BASEMENT REC ROOM TO PLAY BUMPER POOL ON AN OCTAGONAL TABLE, IT'S NOT EVEN GOING TO BE HAND-SIGNED AND SEQUENTIALLY NUMBERED.

SHOULD WE EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW LONG YOUR BOAT IS? WAIT, DO YOU EVEN OWN A BOAT?

GO AHEAD, USE THE FLASH. NOT LIKE IT'S GOING TO PHASE ME. I'VE GOT FOURTEEN WILLOW TREE STATUETTES IN MY FRONT WINDOW. FOUR OF THEM ARE ANGELS. AND ONE OF THEM IS A DAD. I'VE EVEN GOT ALL THE BOXES SOMEWHERE, TOO. I TOOK ONE LOOK AT YOU WHEN YOU WERE CHANGING LENSES, AND I COULD TELL YOU WEREN'T WILLOW TREE MATERIAL. I'VE GOT YOU PEGGED AS MORE OF A PRECIOUS MOMENTS GUY. AND HEY, THAT'S OK. WILLOW TREE REPRESENTS THAT HIGHER ECHELON.



























THAT'S WHAT KANSAS CITY ROYALS MONEY CAN BUY YOU, SON.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT

2015 Topps Heritage #248 Wade Miley


MGM VAULT FIRE, MY ASS. THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE. WISE UP, FOLKS, I'M THE ONE WALKING WITH THE QUEEN. TELL YOU WHAT, I SIT THERE AND I LAUGH AT THAT TEE-SEE-EMM RECONSTRUCTO, WITH ALL THAT FAKE SHIT. COME WITH ME DOWN TO THE BAYOU, I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE I'VE GOT IT HIDDEN, AND IT AIN'T YOUR GRANDPAPPY'S SUPER 8, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. LAISSEZ LES BONS TEMPS ROULER, COMPADRE, AND WE'LL ALL SIT AROUND THE FLICKERBOX AND HAVE OURSELVES A CHUCKLE 'BOUT WHAT I LIKE TO CALL THE UNCHANGING STATUS. TIME MAY BE A FLAT CIRCLE, BUT ME? I'M THE MOTHERLOVIN' MASSEUR AUTEUR RACONTEUR SUPREME. YOU THINK IT DOESN'T EXIST, FINE, GO AHEAD, KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. BUT ME AND MR. B., WE KNOW THE TRUTH. COME DOWN TO MY BASEMENT AND INSPECT MY DRY GOODS, FINELY GRAINED. HAVE A GANDER AT MY EMULSION COMPULSION, NOT EXACTLY NITRATE-FREE FOR THIS ERA'S SENSITIVE WOMENFOLK. THE REAL STORY LIES ELSEWHERE, BUT I'M AFRAID I AIN'T TELLIN'.






















COULDN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO FREAKS, THO.